March 6, 2005

We're Just Here for the Previews

Seattle Maggie regrets our long absence from this hallowed URL, but we have been taking a little time off to get ourselves employed. That's right, even after our impassioned tirade about working in an office, we are back behind a desk; however, we find ourselves working in a place that makes books, so we feel that caving in to our weakness for health insurance might be forgiven. Also, toward the end of our "gentlewoman-of-leisure" period, we found that our dwindling bank account made it nigh impossible to actually go and see movies of which to write about. And so, with newfound cold cash melting sweetly in our hot little hand, we slipped gleefully back into the movie theater for a late matinee and found ourselves delighted by the novelty of previews. Seattle Maggie loves us some previews, and we ain't afraid to say so.

First up, Sin City. From what we can tell, it's about hot chicks who beat people up and get fondled by Bruce Willis. Shot in sepia tones with that weird fake hand tinting effect, it features several Model-T car chases and a truly eclectic cast including Clive Owen, Jessica Alba, Benicio Del Toro, Josh Hartnett, Mickey Rourke and even sweet little Alexis Bledel from Gilmore Girls (oh Alexis - we fully recognize that you are a Woman and are hearing you Roaring, but you didn't have to get all hardcore on us!) While we agree that Frank Miller is a certified comic book genius, this movie looks suspiciously like a train wreck. Rental?

Next, The Ring Two - Naomi Watts takes on the Scary Hair yet again, attempting to convince us that dripping water and television static are creepy. However, the director of the original Japanese Ringu, Hideo Nakata, is at the helm, so it may turn out to be a chill-worthy horror flick. We’re on the fence with this one.

Batman Begins. Yeah. Batman. He's, like, beginning. Seriously, though, if director Christopher Nolan can bring back the brooding dignity of the Caped Crusader, we will come. Also, a pumped up (and plumped up) Christian Bale in a Batsuit is never amiss in our book.

Eh. Some Star Wars thing.

Here's a surprise - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, starring our favorite Fisher Price Man and The Office alumnus Martin Freeman as Arthur Dent. And zany yet adorable Sam Rockwell as Zaphod Beeblebrox? Are we totally crazy to be cautiously optimistic about this film? It looks pretty good. We do adore the books, but we aren't fanatical about them; perhaps this will allow us to enjoy the movie in relative peace. SPOILER ALERT! The answer is 42, and be sure to bring your towel.

Oh dear, House of Wax. Horny teenagers piss off a crazed redneck who traps them in a wax museum. A lot of screaming, running, and melty things. Well, one thing sure was scary - as soon as Paris Hilton's pinched little face flashed on the screen, our movie companion Alysha screamed aloud as Seattle Maggie attempted in vain to stifle a belly laugh. But what are WB crushables Chad Michael Murray and Jared Padalecki doing here? Please, please spare us the sight of Cute Dean exchanging bodily fluids with the dreaded Hilton heiress! Death by psychotic rural wax museum curator would almost be preferable.

And Constantine - Keanu Reeves is a hero with questionable morals battling to keep the balance of earth between the forces of Heaven and Hell. Oh wait, that was the feature. Well, it was a pleasant bit of eye candy to pass away a sleepy afternoon, although we could have done without some of the stilted pretentious dialogue and the cheesy CGI effects, like the unfortunate herd of cows dropping dead before the might of the Spear of Destiny. Doesn’t the son of Satan have anything better to do than wipe out a bunch of cows? A few notable players were Tilda Swinton as a zealous Angel Gabriel and Bush frontman Gavin Rossdale as a relic hunter in a bowling alley. And while we are in a confessional frame of mind, we admit that our main impulse to go see this movie was that we find Keanu mighty fetching in his black coat, stalking grimly about with his smoldering cigarette clenched in his teeth, smashing demons and angels alike, and giving Satan the proverbial (and literal) finger. Aw, he’s pretty. Just as long as he keeps the talking to a minimum.

Ah, summer movies! Seattle Maggie is looking forward to 'em.

Posted by seattle maggie at March 6, 2005 4:32 AM